No Thanks Just Lookin' For Some Caulk

I'm on vacation this week but I had to write a short blog to share a funny (or humiliating depending on how you look at it) experience.

I had the day off before we left, so I headed down to the local hardware store to pick up a couple of things for the house. I walked in and the orange clad greeter met me with a smile to asked if she could help me find anything. I waved and smiled back, then told her,

"No thanks, just lookin' for some caulk!"

If you can't find the humor/humiliation in this statement, kick out the kids, close the door, then blurt it out aloud, like you would to any unsuspecting innocent clerk. You'll get it!

Anyway, my brain was about a half a second ahead of my mouth making the statement even worse. I realized what I was saying a moment too late and the last word caught in my throat (no pun intended). It came out as crass as can be, and the young sales associate pointed to isle three while trying to hold in the gale of laughter with her other hand.

I apologized then turned to proceeded to my walk of shame, wondering if there could possibly be a worse name for that particular material. Of course I could have said caulking, but how many of us do that? Instead we all say caulk, drawing out the "L" until our tongues hang out of our faces to punctuate the proper pronunciation.

Needless to say, I found my way to the proper isle, and they did indeed have more caulk than any store had a right to. I picked up what I needed, paid for it, then left, wondering about how many people have made that same verbal faux pax. Have you done it? Can you think of any other words that have that same verbal tripwire for the tongue? If you do, I would love to hear it.

Oh, and the next time I go to the hardware store, I'll tell her I'm looking for the light bulbs.

"Can't See It From My House"

These last couple of weeks have been pretty good for me. I managed to get a lot of work done, had a decent fathers day, even made it on time to my daughters softball game. All in all it was a pretty uneventful, week save one ugly looming black cloud; I hired an independent contractor.

I have never had this particular pleasure and I have to say, it was a peach of an experience. I spent years as a paint contractor and I have known many general contractors, so I know they’re not a bad bunch of folks, but there is a subculture out there I never knew about. They are known as independent carpet installers, and they are diabolically evil.

OK I know all carpet installers out there aren’t that bad. I’m sure there are those of you out there out there that sport a big C on the front of your spandex superhero outfit, but I only met the villains.

We went through no less than six contractors over the last two weeks. All of them promised a sea of beautiful carpet to swim in, but on the day of the job, none of them bothered to show up. They came by with tape measures and smiling faces, bidding the jobs with smoking calculators and full appointment books but that was as far as it got.

One after the other they fell off the radar. My wife and I both took time off work to wait for these wayward contractors, but not a one managed to make it back to our doorstep. The experience was frustrating to say the least, but the true depth of their evil had yet to be revealed. As I look back, I'm convinced all those missed appointments and broken contracts were just part of a master plan developed by the criminal mastermind, Joe!

Joe was the last contractor we found. He was ready and willing to do the job and seemed to be on the up and up. Needless to say we were a bit skeptical when he gave us a date for the install, but they showed up we were both thrilled. Finally we had an experienced contractor ready to do the job.

I went off to work and Joe's crew worked through the day, toiling away upstairs in the bedrooms and the hallway. When evening came, my wife, bless her heart, paid them, and they promised to come back and fix the few "little problems” they had run into. When I got home I surveyed their work and I have to admit I was a bit surprised. I thought it was a bit odd that Joe had used a crew of toddlers to do the work but considering the workmanship, I could think of no other answer. It must have been torture to do the whole thing with those little plastic scissors and glue sticks!

The seams were either bunched into shag mohawks or stretched apart to gaping canyons. The carpet was cut short on several walls and my favorite part was when one piece fell completely off the stairs.

Well needless to say I got on the phone and made a little call. When Joe answered he seemed a bit perturbed to hear my voice and proceeded to tell me about how hard he worked and how he believed I got a better deal than I should have. I told him I appreciated his hard work and tried to explain that I didn’t want the custom romper room install, but apparently he thought this was worth a little extra because before the phone call was over, he was asking for a little more "compensation!"

So now I have carpet with holes, waves, ridges, and an unfinished closet; oh did I mention the bare nail board in my daughters room? Where am I going with all this you say? Well nowhere I guess. The guy is long gone, money in hand, and I have no real recourse against him. I could smear his reputation and call the carpet police but what good would it do. I guess what I'm saying is watch out for those carpet villains. They're out there, and they're looking for you. If you have carpet installed, get references, get a contract, and for God's sake, ask to see the big super “C” on their chest!

“Life Is Like Drawing Without An Eraser”

I saw this quote and it reminded me of a story that all of you out there in blog land will either find hilarious or horrifying. Either way, I’m sure you’ll agree it would have been a great time to have that life eraser.

Several years ago a friend of mine, we’ll call him Gregg, was making his way home from work and came upon a school bus at a stop light. It was filled with middle schoolers, and like many of us, he expected knowing grins and searching eyes to be peering at him from the side window; but today things went a little different. Today what he saw were gaping expressions, rude gestures and worst of all, one boy decided launch a slimy green projectile out his window and onto the hood of Gregg’s cherry 1969 Chevy Truck.

Now Gregg is a good man; one that I respect and look up to, but he does have a bit of a temper. In fact he has one of those tempers that can send him into a tunnel of single-minded rage that would have Hannibal Lector running for mommy. Needless to say, that big green spit bomb lit his fuse and it was mere moments before Gregg was tearing out down the road after that big yellow middle school bus.

Now all of us, at one time or another, has seen “that kid” and thought, someone should teach him a lesson in manners, but logic, not to mention local penal codes, serve to curtail said activities in most people. Of course the advantage of being a raving lunatic is that you can ignore those little speed bumps when it’s time to take care of business.

Gregg caught up to the bus at the next stop, jumped out of his truck and stormed over to the open doors. He stepped in, moved to the back of the bus and started to give the little loogie hucking bastard what for. Now this happened years ago in a time when it was acceptable to hold a child accountable for their actions. I’m sure if this happened today, he would have been drug off the bus in a media filled frenzy to be stoned in the pit of despair, but back then it was still O.K. to give a kid a good tongue lashing when he deserved it.

Gregg only had a few seconds to speak his peace before the driver made it to where he was standing, but it was long enough to make him wish he had that life eraser sticking out of his pocket. The woman took his arm, spun him around and spoke seven horrifying words. “This bus transports mentally challenged children sir!”

All the blood drained from his face. And that tunnel of rage? Well it melted away to reveal several children staring at him in wide eyed wonder. Thankfully Gregg’s tirade hadn’t made it to full swing before the driver stopped him, but he’d said enough to make his walk of that bus one of the longest of his life. He apologized to the children, which were no worse for the ware, and he apologized to the driver then he got back into his truck and went home.

No harm was done, and when he told us this story years later we all had a good laugh, but at the time he would have loved to back up and do that one again. How many times have you put your foot in your mouth? I know mine has pretty much taken a permanent residence there. We all have our moments, and some are funnier later than sooner but I would love to hear em. Tell me about your biggest oops, or you can tell me about your “Friend” and we can call him Gregg.

"Beware Computer Programmers That Carry Screwdrivers"

The place I work, like many others, is fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to have an IT support office.

The good: If we have a computer problem we have someone to call.

The bad: They're idiots.

I have so many frustrating/hilarious calls associated with this office I thought I would share one with you.

These calls always start the same way. First I call them and explain whatever problem I have. Something like,

"My computers smoking and won't stop shouting obscenities at me, what should I do?"

It doesn't really matter what the problem or situation is, the response is always the same. It's always,

"Ummmmm, hold on a second."

This answer is of course followed by five to seven minutes of Barry Manilow while I'm on hold waiting for an answer.

Every time this happens I find myself wondering what they're doing. Is there some sort of evil mastermind they all have to report to? Is he a super techie, sitting on a throne surrounded by all his phone answering minions? Do they have to address him as sir or your highness or your superiorness? Who knows.

Anyway, enough of the background, here is how the latest phone call went.

Them: "Hello, tech support can I help you"

Me: "Yes, we have an external speaker hooked to our address system that has fallen off the wall. I picked it up and brought it into my office, but we will need someone to come over and repair or replace it."

Them: "Ummmmm, hold on a second"

OK so you are saying to yourself, "that's not fair, why are you calling computer support for a P.A. speaker" right? Well your half right. It is a public address system, but it is controlled through our computer network. I figure if I knew this, the guys that installed it should probably know this too.

OK back on the line.

Them: "The person that usually works on the P.A. systems won't be back till the 15th can you call back then?"

Me: "Do you have anyone else that can work on them?"

Them: "Yes."

Insert uncomfortable pause here.

Me: "Well do you think you could send them over instead"

Them: "Ummmmm, hold on a second"

Barry Manilow

Them: "Is the speaker still working?"

Me: "The one sitting on my floor? I don't think so, can you send it a test or a ten count or something, maybe I'll hear it."

Them: "Ummmmmm, hold on a second."

Barry Manilow

Them: "O.K. What building are you in."

Me: "This is the fire department"

Them: "What building is that in?"

Me: "The fire department"

Them: "What room was the speaker mounted in?"

Me: "It was an external speaker mounted outside."

Them: "O.K. What room is that?"

Me: "Outside"

Them: "Well I can't put the ticket in if I don't have a room number"

Me: "Maybe you could try outside"

Them: "O.K. we will try to get someone over."

After I got over my frustration, it occurred to me that this was the guy we trust our equipment to. The equipment we rely on day in and day out. Not a very comforting thought. Lord knows I am not a computer genius but if this guy is any kind of gauge, I think I could have a pretty good career in the I.T. department. Maybe I need to switch professions.

Have you experienced this kind of genius anywhere in your life? I would love to hear about it. By the way as for the speaker? It is still sitting on the floor of my office and I haven't heard a test come through it yet!

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it"

I have a coworker that always talks about going on a "fun run". I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. I said running was like resetting your dislocated shoulder, or cleaning the toilets at a homeless shelter. Both are things that have to be done, but I wouldn't use the word fun to describe them. He laughed and shrugged it off, saying once you got your breathing right, it really was a lot of fun. Running does indeed make me want to breathe, but again, sucking in air like an asthmatic Hoover does not sound like fun.

Now don't get me wrong, I understand the need for physical fitness. I do my own fair share of puffing and wheezing, I just don't have to like it. Which brings me to my point. There are things out there that need to be done whether we like it or not. As they say, everything in life is not a bed of roses, or maybe it is if you count all the thorns. Find that task you've been putting off and push through it, you'll be glad you did when you're done.

I am working on the fourth draft of my novel and I can assure you it is no longer a whole lot of fun, but I will push through. Even if it stinks, I will have finished it in the best way I could, and that's all any of us can really ever hope for. Of course I would love to be the next gazillion dollar author, but either way I'll be happy that I accomplished what I set out to do. So the next time you see your buddy jogging along that path, all red faced, sucking in bugs and leaves, tell him to smile. It's a fun run. You'll be happy when you finish!

What have you pushed through recently. Would love to hear what you did and how you prevailed. Have a great week and keep on runnin!

“Wonder what life might be like if you could change one thing? DON’T”

I have often wondered what life would have been like if I could go back in time and change things.  What if I could have avoided this or stopped that tragedy from happening?  Wouldn’t it be nice if that someone was still around or if I had never lost that widget?  Wouldn’t life be grand?

All of that sounds great, but it donned on me the other day just how different life would really be. What we live through makes us who we are.  Sure we would all like to avoid that fire breathing demon we dated back in high school, but if we hadn’t been burned, we would never learn to avoid it the next time.  If we had never lost that friend or relative, we couldn’t grow from the experience.  I lost my father several years back, and frankly, I would still give anything to have him here today, but losing him shaped my life.  It played a big part in who I am, and without that horrible experience, better or for worse, my life would be much different today.

So don’t wish to hard for what might have been. Concentrate on what could be tomorrow.  Try to see life’s pot holes as an opportunity to strengthen your foundation. Look forward to life’s experiences and learn from them; and for those of us that married our fire breathing demons… well… God help us. Just kidding honey! Love ya!

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder"

Every day problems arise in our lives and we are forced to deal with one way or another, but it’s how we deal with them that sets us apart from our neighbors. When I was a kid, my parents often packed us up and we would all go over to a family friend’s house for an evening of dinner and games. We would play with their kids and our parents would laugh and have a few cocktails. Fun would be had by all. One visit in particular stood out to me though, and the events that transpired were so profound, I have remembered them vividly to this day.

It was late, we were all tired, and it had come to that time of the evening when the kids argued about going home and the parents told them to put their toys away “or else!” We were in one of the bedrooms we had destroyed and I was watching Kenny, a boy slightly younger than I was, as he tried to shove his big sister’s doll into a dresser drawer. He pushed and turned, twisted and pulled but no matter what he did the doll just wouldn’t fit. Now at this point you or I may have given up and found another place to hide the doll, perhaps under the bed or in the closet, but not Kenny. Nope Kenny was one, even at that age, that was a fan of “thinking outside the box.”

After a short examination of the problem, Kenny pulled the legs off the doll then shoved it neatly into the drawer, tucking the broken stubs in behind it. I can still visualize the beating that followed when his sister realized her favorite toy had been destroyed, but when I was watching Kenny work his magic, one word passed through my mind, “genius”.

Creative solutions to complex problem can make a seemingly impossible task possible. Kenny found a way to get that square peg through the round hole. Sure he had been bludgeoned with a Tonka dump truck for the effort, but real genius is rarely understood anyway. We should all take a page out of Kenny’s book once in a while and see if we can’t pull the legs off of that proverbial doll. We should look for ways to solve our problems instead of throwing our hands up in defeat and maybe, just maybe, true genius will hit us like a Tonka dump truck. Do you have any stories of unsung heroism? Times when someone wowed you with simplicity or creativity? Let me hear it! Oh and by the way Kenny did regain sight in that left eye and his limp is barely noticeable… kidding!